Hello. I am currently a French language teacher at a high school. I recently had a 9th grade student come to me and tell me that he’s gay. He told me that he has told no one else and that he just needed someone to talk to. He and I have been very close, as he stays after school to help me, and he is very efficient in French, so he helps some of the students who are having trouble for me. He has stated that he feels at comfort when talking to me. I have no problem with gays, and I actually promote GLBT rights, as I have a brother who is gay, and a sister and friend who are lesbians. I just have no idea how to talk to him about it. I don’t know what to say. He said he is afraid that if his parents find out, that he will be kicked out onto the streets. He has also told me that some students pick on him, calling him names like queer, f-a-g, homo, among other more offensive names. However, he won’t tell me who is doing this.
Gay student! Educators preferred for answer.?
Yeah. When you're teaching in a high school, these sorts of touchy subjects are hard. I teach college English and adore it for the (comparative) freedom. I have had one student come to me to say she was depressed and needed therapy, but she realized this on her own and didn't ask my advice on the matter.
What, exactly, has he asked you about "sex"? I wouldn't think it out of line to tell him at least to be _safe_ regarding sex and perhaps even suggest he talk to someone about obtaining and using condoms (would a school counselor be an appropriate reference for the sexual health aspect?). Tell him to think carefully about sexual matters; remind him he must make good decisions now to preserve bright future opportunities. But, obviously, he doesn't need your advice on how to hit on people or the best sex position or for you to give him a detailed presentation on using a condom or so on.
I hesitate to advise you to avoid the subject of sex like the Plague. The strict physicality-avoidance rules forced on educators are a huge reason American culture is so body-phobic. If he's gay, you couldn't be accused of fooling around with him. Well, I know you could technically be accused of anything (which is why high schools are bullcrap), but I can tell you (as a person who would not have survived without her high-school-teacher mentors) that your actions mean more to him than you will know.
Comfort him about the family problems. Families suck. Do you know somewhere (if he was to get kicked out) that he could stay? A friend of yours? Is there a university in your town to whose professors or extension classes you could refer him? He can use all the nurturing he can get. If he feels he has another safe, accepting place to go if his parents reject him - a fallback - he may be less likely to act out at home and more likely to understand that his parents, not him, are in the wrong, and that he can't change their ignorance by fighting.
In any case, try to get his mind off sexuality. Learn to change the subject; it's a skilled art. Offer to write him scholarship recommendation letters. Ask him for his ideas about college. Offer to help him through the application process. Suggest some reading on homosexuality (to suggest he stand up for himself and challenge adversaries with reason and argument). Suggest that he continue on with French in high school and even college. Are there any outside classes you can think of he might like to take and that you could recommend to him? Are there any clubs? These are all great words of encouragement to teens even in their hormonal years. This kind of encouragement from a high school German instructor meant the world to me.
Sorry for the length. Best luck, and, as a fellow language educator, I commend and congratulate you for being the lighthouse in a student's foggy world.
Reply:It's great to support your student. It would be very lonely and difficult to come out as a high school student, when kids are at their most vulnerable and cruel. He is lucky that he feels comfortable enough to talk to you.
However, I would advise to never EVER talk to him about sex. It's fine to talk about love in the abstract, and to let him know that you don't have a problem with his sexual orientation, but you start to get into very murky ground when you, as a teacher and an authority figure, start to talk to a student about something so private and controversial as sex.
Although you are very close now, you never know what weird things are going on in the minds of adolescents, and if he decides a year or so from now that he regrets sharing so much with you or you have some sort of other falling-out, you don't want it being made public that you were hanging out after school talking about sex. This could damage your reputation and possibly your career.
I suppose I'd investigate further, ask around among other teachers who might know his parents, and see if you can figure out exactly how they would take the news about their son. Teenagers are dramatic; he might just be playing the "poor me" card, telling you his parents would kick him out of the house if they found out he was gay. Many parents these days are very tolerant, and everyone might be surprised at their reaction.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do!
Reply:It is SO important for you to be supportive, but you can't go it alone and should involve a counselor that you think would be supportive or another supportive teacher. If he thinks his parents may kick him out and they find out that he has been talking to you and you have not let anyone else know about it, it could come back on you. Since he isn't telling you who is doing all the name calling, he is just beginning to open up to you. You need to get support not only for him, but for yourself to help you deal with his situation. I don't know the size of your school district or if it has the resources to deal with these problems, but he is really not in a good position since he is scared of his parents reaction and dealing with the harassment at school as well. Since he is scared of his home life and scared at school, I feel scared for him. I think that you are the only support he has right now, and that is really not the best place for you or him. I know you do not want to betray his trust, but him opening up to you is his cry for help and since you can't do it alone do what you can to help him.
Reply:I think it is commendable that you've befriended this student, and that he confides in you. Everyone needs someone he or she can talk to. However, I think there's a place where you have to draw the line. Any talk about sexuality goes beyond the student/teacher boundaries, and possibly you could get in trouble with the school authorities or administration if they found out. There are support groups for gay people, and you might recommend counseling from some of these organizations. I would keep the association strictly within the parameters of scholastics and generalities, both for your sake and that of the young student. I'm not saying you should abandon him entirely, but just to use common sense in a situation that could get out of hand. Good luck. I am not an educator, but I pride myself on propriety and integrity.
Reply:You're good to have listened to him about his problems, but stay clear on any sexual aspect of this, or your teacher-student relationship will turn into something more personal and unwanted, and this could potentially threaten your career. Don't add fuel to the fire by encouraging further contact if this part of the relationship escalates, or it will backfire. People talk, and between them seeing you paying attention to this boy, the nature of the situation, and his possibility of unintentionally informing someone (higher up) of your talks, and there being a chance that this can be misconstrued as taking on a physically sexual nature, can all add up to you being penalized and subjected to scrutiny. Remember "No good deed goes unpunished", and you must keep in mind that in this time of overly political correctness and Big Brotherhood, almost a McCarthyism with teacher-student relationships, anything perceived as untoward with this boy can be career-destroying. Even the accusation of a teacher doing anything that is considered unprofessional can become the end of his or her career. Explain to the boy that these matters are beyond the scope of your ability to assist him. I say, back off politely, and refer the boy to confiding in a pastor. And don't discuss such personal matters with him in future. You've got to protect yourself. Good luck.
Reply:You really do need to suggest to him to go to a support group. There are groups available that are safe places for your student to go too and be himself. One organization that is available to your student as well as for you, is called GLSEN, or the Gay, Lesbian %26amp; Straight Education Network, is the leading national education organization focused on ensuring safe schools for ALL students. Your student could check out this website as well as you can too. Another org, is PFLAG-Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. This one he can contact himself and find a support group near him to go too. They are a wonderful organization. You can check out their website too, give it to your student as well. This one will answer alot of his questions and you don't need to put yourself in jeopardy as an instructor answering some of his suggestive questions. The last one is called 1 n 10-this group is for 14-22 year olds. Another website he can also use as well. So here are some alternatives to you just being his mentor. He needs to find support elsewhere as well. Below are the websites.
Reply:Well, I'm not a teacher or anything of the sort, but I'd like to try and help answer your question(s). First of all I think it's really great that he is able to confide in you without being judged by you. Second, maybe you can help him by providing information such as help line numbers for the situation he's in. I think one of the most important things is to let him know he has nothing to be ashamed of, he is who he is, and he should hold his head held high. And let him know that it doesn't matter what others think of him, it's how he thinks of himself that matters most. And I realize that somethimes that is easier to say then actually do, but that's just life. Also, let him be the one to tell his parents, if he ever decides to. It's better for them to hear it from him then an outside source. And if your student feels comfortable confiding in you, and you honestly don't mind then let him, though I'd try and shy away from the sex topic unless if's informative on a health issues level. But you need to be careful because, well you know how the system works. Other then that, it should be okay. And as far as him being called names, let him know that it's only words. And it's not just homosexual people that are called vulgar names, but pretty much everyone no matter what color, religion, finacial status, gender, sexual preference, etc.. Sadly that's also part of life. Anyway, I hope this helped, and good luck. Oh and sorry if there are any typos.
Reply:I've had students confide such things to me over the years. Sometimes they just want someone to talk to. I usually listen mostly, because they know that I am not in their particular situation, and therefore cannot give them any real advice.
At times, such conversations make them feel better - better able to cope with the harshness of the school environment and the particular rejections.
His time to break this news to his parents will have to come when he's good and ready. If he senses such a strong rejection, he may just have to put it off.
The ones that have spoken to me, also have never divulged the names of the others that harass them. I guess it is more of a "survival" maneuver.
Good Luck.
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